Thursday, 3 March 2011

The truth comes calling at 3am

Wide awake and wondering why I can’t sleep and then it comes to me, I’m seething! I’m outraged. I’m pissed off. I’m seriously upset.
Ah. That’ll be why I was thinking earlier that I absolutely and urgently had to have some new jeans and why I’ve been trying to work out where I can get £2,500, to pay for cosmetic dentistry (when I have absolutely no money coming in at the moment so it’s a ridiculous and impossible idea,  beyond frivolous and self indulgent).
It’s displacement thinking isn’t it. My brain has been trying to resist the fact that I am unhappy by distracting me with thoughts of “things” that it’s trying to convince me will make me happy. Lucky I don’t have squillions of pounds to squander, this is the same distorted thought process that ultimately leads some unhappy rich people down a path where they end up becoming totally demented and going overboard on plastic surgery (don’t worry, I like my nose!).
(If the above logic isn’t working for you check out this great blog post, on recognising our deepest needs and not trying to fulfil them through consumption.  I read it earlier and it was like someone had put the lights on for me! )
I got some wonderful news earlier today. An appeal I’d set up when I was working has now ended and an ex colleague kindly emailed me the results. I was thrilled, it has been a big success and it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me.  Hurrah!
So that was a revelation, realising how pleased I was. Honestly I was totally delighted.  And I was quite surprised that I was so enthusiastic. I’ve been telling myself how happy I am not to be doing that job any more (which I truly am) and I’ve been hinting to myself and others that when I am finally well enough to start pursuing paid employment again that I quite like the idea of doing something completely different, maybe something more creative and “softer.”  So I feel that perhaps I learned something about myself, by recognising what a serious buzz I get when something big that I’ve visualised and created comes to fruition.  
Then, I couldn’t help it, I started to feel pissed off that this wonderful career of mine, as was, is now off the table, as it were. That I can’t do that kind of thing right now, that perhaps I won’t be able to again. And that people who were my peers are over taking me at a rate of noughts in terms of career progression. I feel like I’m on the hard shoulder, being left behind!
And I’m blooming well SEETHING. It’s not fair. And I know life isn’t fair and no one ever said it was and why should it be and plenty of people are worse off than me and I have lots to be thankful for and ALL OF THAT. But really I’m just cross and that’s why I can’t sleep.
I just can’t believe that there isn’t a way to get my brain working properly again. I refuse to accept that I won’t be able to think clearly and coherently in any kind of consistent fashion again, this can’t be right!!! I can’t imagine not being taken seriously in a work context ever again. How interesting, that all of this is going on at a subconscious level and it’s taken 3 hours of insomnia for it to surface and make itself clear!
One thing about brain fog is that I think when I become more aware of it, that may be a sign it is starting to clear a bit...Well you know me, I am always a looking-on-the-bright-side kind of a girl, now I’ve had my little internal rant, normal service can be resumed!
....When I finally did get to sleep last night (you don't think I'd post my insomniac thoughts in real time do you? This bit is being written in the morning), I had another one of these vivid dreams I’ve been getting for the past week or so. This time I decided to test drive a juggernaut and drove it all round the streets where I grew up in Glasgow before deciding that it was a bit tricky to handle and probably too large for my needs! So there you go – analyse that! I’m still laughing. Also I feel more energetic today but I will follow doctor’s orders and keep resting for now. Could this all be good...?
Thanks for reading. I’ve been asked to do a post about when I was first diagnosed so that’s next on my list but I just wanted to squeeze this one in. Do leave a comment if you’d like to, as long as you’re not trying to sell anything I’ll be thrilled to hear what you think of this latest post, or if it brings anything up for you.
Love and light


  1. I love the update on the latest dream!! So, "The Commander" hasn't made a come-back????

    I'm so glad the appeal you worked on was such a success - congratulations!! :)

    Now, onto your thoughts on your career being off the table...remember what you said to me just the other day - You need to focus on ONE thing at a time...once you get healthy your career will be right there for you to pick back up. Clearly you're good at what you do since the last appeal was such a success (and I'm sure many were prior to this) and once you're healthy again you'll be in a better position to go back into paid employment. You will be able to do it again - just as a healthier, stronger, wiser and more energetic version of Lorraine!

    Remember, life is long!!!

    Any of all that ^^ seem familiar?? LOL :)

    Love & light...

  2. Natalie you are a shining star and beacon of wisdom, yes your advice sounds familiar, funnily enough I recognised the parallels in our situations as I was writing that post! I always think it's quite a healthy thing for me to get a bit pissed off from time to time, because I am so naturally inclined to look on the bright side, sometimes it's good to admit things are actually a bit rubbish. I feel better for getting those feelings off my chest! I hope things will soon start to look up for both of us. I actually do think I am starting to feel the benefits of being able to rest for the last two months, it's too early to say but I do seem less exhausted the last couple of weeks. Sending good vibes, love and light right back your way! x

  3. It is definately natural to be pissed off occassionally...I get pissed off rather regularly and usually feel better afterwards! I'm actually rather pissed off today; yet another doctor has screwed me over! But that's another story LOL

    I'm so glad you're starting to feel the benefits of rest and you're feeling ok.
    Take it easy! xx

  4. Wow, how much does your post and your story mirror significant aspects of mine? ALOT. I hear you about work, you say you don't want to go back there, you want change but a part of you is pissed off and grieves for what was 'taken from you'. I know. I am very much in that place now of not yet being well enough to return to a permanent work position. It's forcing me to get creative- is that the whole point? Perhaps. Today I did my angel healing cards, the reassurance it brought was wonderful, you might like something similar. Wishing you better nights of sleep now things are off your chest. Thanks for sharing!

  5. I can empathise, I too experience chronic fatigue, although mine isn't caused by thyroid issues.

    Thankfully though I am able to keep up with some work as I work freelance. If I wasn't able to, I know I'd go stir crazy! I love my work, that's why I do it!

    Although I must admit I have worked way harder than any single person ought to, and I do believe that's resulted in my experiencing ill health now.

    I'm still coming to terms with not being able to do everything I want, and I've started writing a blog about my journey back to health as well.

    I find writing out what's going on & getting feedback from others is invaluable!

    I have every confidence that you too will find you way back to 100% health!

    That is of course, providing that the Commander doesn't get hold of you! :)

  6. Natalie - So great to get your lovely comments on here, I'm so sorry you are having such a rotten time with your health and your doctors, it's not fair!! You take it easy too girl. xx

    Sarah - there are lots of us in this same boat, it's nuts isn't it!! So good to connect. I wonder too sometimes if I'm being forced to be creative, I have it in me, it feels a little like it's being somehow hauled out by force through this whole bizarre process of still being ill! I've not come across angel cards, glad they were helpful for you, I sleep fine mostly, and I'm happy that I'm dreamiing again at the moment, I missed my TV-like dreams!

    Claire I read your blog, it's powerful and great that you are sharing what's going on for you. You have a wonderful advantage that you love your work. Don't do too much though, be mindful of your wellbeing and take it easy when you need to.

    The good news is The Commander seems to have been a one off! He was one scary monster!