Deciding what to share - a drive to be more open #nhbpm #4

The #nhbpm prompt for this post is "Disclosure" 

...hence masked ball photo, yes it's me... 

I started this blog anonymously. I felt very anxious about the idea of anyone who knows me in "real life" seeing me revealing my vulnerabilities and fears about my illness. I was particularly concerned about this from a professional point of view. I felt that my thyroid condition and my career had to be kept strictly separate.

I "came out" in Jan 2011 with a post entitled "Adventures in Social Media and Who am I Anyway". I think doing that was part of a process of acceptance and coming to terms with the fact that my illness is not something I need be ashamed of, it's just something that has happened to me and that by communicating openly and honestly about it I can help myself navigate the experience and feel better - and potentially also help others.

The truth sets us free.

So these days I am pretty open. You know my name and what I look like. I even shared a couple of most unflattering pictures of me looking extremely sickly on one of my earlier posts this month. Pictures I would previously have hidden and felt a bit embarrassed even to have.  I took them in an effort to see how ill or well I looked. They are a strange little archive, covering a few months of my life when my world was being rocked and I felt very insecure. I would peer at myself down the camera phone lense and then peer at the picture and wonder what the image meant. I have considered doing a post which is made up of all those sad little faces, but I haven't done it as I'd worry what such a post might say about me!

So what do I disclose now - and what do I keep hidden?

I don't blog about my relationship, except to say how adorable my adorable husband is, which he is.

I don't say much about my work, I have never mentioned an employer or client by name.

I keep my Facebook separate, that's a play space for me and I tend not to connect my blog or most of my social media friends (there are a few very special exceptions to this, you know who you are).

Likewise my Linked-in is purely for career networking.

I am vague about my precise location. Safety first.

I don't name my doctors.

I don't name anyone else by name without their permission.

Interestingly, having become a health advocate through the illness and my voluntary work with the British Thyroid Foundation I am starting to consider possible related employment opportunities and in those cases I find I'm showing the blog to potential employers, which may or may not be a good idea but it's a decision I've taken and we'll see where it leads me. Certainly it's not something I'd have done a year ago. Now I feel a profound sense of the value of my experiences of chronic illness and my ability to write about them. I'm driven to being more open. It feels important.

What do you think about how much I share, too much, too little or about the right amount? Have you written about this subject too? I'm so interested in what other health bloggers and readers think about this. Comments as ever are positively encouraged. :)

with light and love

Lorraine

I wish I knew about this, but I don't.... Day 3 #nhbpm

Woo hoo, look at me, posting 3 days in a row for @wegohealth's health blog post month. No comments on any of the articles yet though, which is strange as I can see people are visiting the site. Anyway.....

Today's prompt is: "I don't know about this, but I'd like to...." 

I don't know about biology, I was so uninterested in the subject at school, can you believe, I didn't get it's relevance to me at all! How can teaching be so bad and/or curricula so ill thought through that a reasonably bright young biological being, who was let's face it as self obsessed as the next teenage girl, could go to school every day for how ever many years it was and just not clock that biology had anything to do with me?

In the UK we get to choose what subjects we will study after age 14. Up until then you just study what they tell you and in the first two years of secondary education you do all the sciences. At least that's how it worked in my school days, a zillion light years ago. I think it's still about the same.

My Mother died when I was five, not sure if I've told you that before. That has been a major thing in my life, as you can imagine. Being without a mother growing up was tough as hell. My Dad brought me up on his own. Many traumas: he bought me terrible nylon stripey jumpers to wear and wouldn't sew my Brownie badges on my uniform because he thought cowgum glue was perfectly adequate and was completely disinterested and un-supportive of my regular lobbying to go to dancing classes or majorettes because he knew that meant that he'd then have to do tricky things with sequins and ribbons on shoes for end of year shows and he was having none of it. I got my own back by becoming a punk at the earliest opportunity. I digress, that's all another story.

The reason I mention it in this post, is that I think it's pretty weird, given that my mum had some mystery illness and died so young, that I never had the urge to find out about what makes the human body tick. It's like I had some mental block.

The main reason I refused point blank to consider studying biology is because I knew that if I did they would make me dissect a bulls eye and a dead rat. Everybody in the school knew that was what biology classes entailed. No way. It was never going to happen.

I can't believe it wasn't possible to make the subject more appealing and relevant to me and all the other kids who dropped it at the first opportunity. I feel let down now. So many of my hours and days years at school were spent bored out of my tiny mind. And now I'm so filled with curiosity and awareness of my ignorance. I wish I knew more about how my body works.

I've learned a lot about thyroid disease since my diagnosis three years ago. But there is still lots that I don't know and I learn new stuff all the time. The human body and medicine is this vast and fascinating subject. Even doctors don't know it all, far from it. And I've come to realise that my symptoms have sometimes been alleviated by things other than thyroid hormone treatments. That my condition isn't as simple as being just down to one thing with one simple cure (for a long time I hung my hopes on T3 treatment because so many thyroid patient sites are so focused on that and I kind of caught the bug, but now I realise, that for me, T3 appeared to help a bit for a while but ultimately other things have had a bigger impact on my improving health.

The doctor at the fatigue clinic showed me a fascinating diagram of how all the different systems in the body are interlinked and affect each other. I got the principle but I wish I understood the detail more. I particularly wish I understood how things like nutrients and trace elements work and I wish I could identify a magic supplement I could take that would bounce my health back to being fully functioning. Ha ha, if only it was that simple.

Maybe one day I'll know all the answers..... I'll keep looking for them anyway. I know more than I used to at least, that's a start. Learning all the time.

With smiles. Thanks for reading. Feel free to share any thoughts below.

Lorraine

Day 2 #NHBPM, Inspiring Quotes

We go Health are encouraging health bloggers to post every day in November.  Check out the hashtag #nhbpm on twitter to see how the campaign is buzzing along.

Today I've been prompted to write about an inspiring quote. What I'm actually going to do is share a few different quotes that inspire me and also share a few different sources of further inspirational words, so that if you like the philosophy these quotes come from, you can tap into it yourself. Follow your bliss.

Here's my first quote:

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Wayne Dyer (via @innerdelight) 

This is so true, I know, especially through being ill that we cannot always control our lives, shit happens, sometimes and sometimes it's hard to deal with. I get a little cross with those relentless "positive thinkers" you come across sometimes who clearly have never had to deal with anything they can't control and can be so lacking in compassion or understanding for people they perceive as weak or defeatist, who may struggle with health issues or other difficulties. But I try not to let their ignorance get to me, if I have the energy and it feels important sometimes I'll engage them in a little light debate and try and to broaden their view of the world. Other times I've learned that just letting some comments go and not taking on responsibility for trying to change everything that's wrong in the world gives me more peace of mind and lets me focus on the stuff that matters more - and where I can make a difference.

But there's a grain of truth in what those people believe. When I look at my illness from a poor me perspective I feel bad, when I actively choose to look at the positive things it has brought me -new friends, wisdom, a calmer more balanced lifestyle, opportunities for creative expression and the chance to support others, a greater appreciation of the love and support I get from my adorable husband, a whole new level of knowledge of how my body works and how to take care of it.... well I start to feel better. In fact I can get a real happy little glow going.  Honestly!

Taking time each evening before I go to sleep to consciously count up all the things I have to be thankful for that day means I snuggle down with a happy smile on my face and drift off into a pleasant sleep. If I allowed my mind to fret and wrestle over the things that had not gone to plan, or issues from the past, or worries about the future, I know I would not feel so tranquil, I would probably not get sleep so easily or sleep so well, I might have different sorts of dreams.  If I don't sleep well the chances are I will feel bad the next day. Good quality rest is important for my wellbeing.

And I know too that allowing myself to get stressed and upset about stuff creates fatigue, it can even create pain in my body as I tense up physically around my tense and angry thoughts. There are times of course when I do get wound up and angsty. Observing myself, afterwards, I now recognise that when that happens the effect is very clear. Angry emotions = feelings of exhaustion later. I seem to be a sensitive soul. When I cultivate serenity, compassion, empathy and acceptance of reality, I feel better and I achieve more.

Every day in every way, my thoughts and the way I look at the world truly shape my reality. I am not in total control, far from it, but I am a conscious being and my consciousness is what I experience and I have choices around where I put my consciousness and what I do with it.

Here's another quote I find inspirational :

"observe yourself, do not judge yourself, that is the highest form of human intelligence" from Jivamukti (? - source uncertain)

I keep coming back to these words. there's something about observation without judgement, acknowledging reality, including the reality of difficult emotions or situations, that somehow can bring about transformation. I got into meditation a few years back. The art of sitting. There are lots of different meditation techniques you can use, the simplest just to sit and observe your breath flowing in and out of your body. It's extraordinary how that simple observation process, switching off the judgmental chatter that flows naturally through our brains, can leave people feeling refreshed and energised.

If you follow the link above and here to the meditation site I built for the group I used to help run in Camden there a few more nice quotes and poems along the same lines as the one from Inner Delight and the Jivamukti one.

Here's a final quote I love and hope you will like too:

"Don't find time for wellness. If you value yourself, MAKE time to move and breathe and feel alive." @soulseedz 

Gorgeous, never a truer word spoken, what an inspiring world we are lucky enough to habitate, so many wonderful people sharing so many beautiful words and ideas we can benefit from.

With love and light.

I hope today's posting  has been worth your while to read. I'm very grateful for you stopping by. I'd love to know what quotes you find inspiring, feel free to share any below, or let me know if you are also writing on this topic for #NHBPM. I'd love to discover your blog if I don't know it already.

Thank you for for being there.