Light, air, space, time, breath

I haven't blogged on here for ages. I've been mostly quite well, that's why! So there is light at the end of the tunnel for anyone feeling rotten with hypothyroidism. I've got various projects on the go these days so very little time for thyroid stuff but I still intend to post on here from time to time and in particular I want to get closer to the hypothyroid care strategy project which BTF are undertaking and where I see lots of opportunities to make things better for thyroid patients. I feel I've learned a lot on my journey and believe those lessons can be put to some use to help others - as and when I have time around the edges of the rest of my life.

There was a point when my work with the London Group and handling telephone support calls for BTF was taking up a huge amount of my life. My husband was alternately proud of what I was doing and horrified that I was doing so much and not getting paid for it! As I slowly got back to a degree of reasonable  health it was a bit like having the structure of a job and I really appreciated having the responsibility for something that felt important and where I felt I could be of some use. But it got to the stage where it was taking up more hours than I could justify so I had to take a big step back.

I am so delighted and thankful that the group is ongoing and so thankful to the Team for continuing with it. And much as I very much enjoyed talking to other thyroid patients on the phone, as a support contact for the charity, I'm very relieved not to be constantly having those kinds of conversations any more as they are emotionally quite draining, especially when I was effectively on call all the time and listed as the main contact for the whole of London, the most densely populated part of the country!

I'm very happy to be able to flag up to you that the group have now announced a whole series of dates for meetings in London this year, which is brilliant. You can get details on the link at the top right of the side navigation, or here. Precious space and time for thyroid patients to come together, support each other, learn about our conditions and what we can do to help ourselves-and just have a nice time with good people who have some insight into what we're all going through.

I can't make the Feb meeting but will be at the one in March. I hope to see some of you there.

Signing off for now with gratitude to you for reading and being with me on my thyroid journey. It has meant the world to be able to connect with so many other people going through similar experiences and I intend to stay connected and continue to share both my own experiences and anything else I think might be of use to others with hypothyroidism. Because it's a tough old game and we all need all the support and reliable info we can get - right!

One thing I will do this year is write up the notes from the various talks we've had that I haven't had a chance to report back on fully yet.  If there's one in particular you'd like me to do first let  me know.

Sending smiles to you and yours.

And a nice beach photo taken this chilly February morning here in Broadstairs. I won't say anything about how cold it was but doesn't it look pretty!

Viking  Bay, just 1 hour 22 mins from St Pancras on HS1 

two steps forward, one step back...

I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a little dance. Two steps forward, one step back, you know the one.

I put on my (ancient) dancing shoes and.....

I saw my new doctor on Friday. He seems very nice. What a relief.

He thinks I might be anemic again.  Blood test done, awaiting results of that, full blood panel and thyroid function test, which is due again around now.  I'm  hoping that somewhere in these test results will be some clue as to what to do next... Less thyroxine? More? Iron tablets? Something else?

Because I'm tired, so tired, again. And it feels like I've felt like this a lot of this year which is passing me by in a bit of a blur. It's now October 2013. I was diagnosed August 2009.

My old doctor said that quite often people with hypothyroidism do not find their symptoms go away after diagnosis. She apologised that I had been told I could expect to feel well once treatment is optimised, she said the sad truth is that may not happen.

Well she's in the blummin bin as far as I'm concerned.  I won't be seeing her again, not because she said that but for all the other reasons already shared in previous posts. But I can't help but wonder if perhaps she was speaking the truth there. Is there perhaps not going to be a return to "full health". Do I just have to accept that my energy levels and cognitive function will be for ever a bit under par now?  Or was her saying that, just one more sign that she is in fact an uncaring and unsympathetic GP who does not take enough care of patients with chronic health challenges and I am better off not having her as my doctor anymore, because she is clearly not going to be much use to me with an attitude like that?

I have no idea.

I got an email from one of my fellow BTF London Group volunteers today. She said "the more I know the more I realise I don't know". Her and me both.

The Scottish Thyroid Petition ladies seem to be making some progress getting the Scottish Parliament to take some notice of the plight of those thyroid patients who are not easily returned to good health.  I'm impressed with their energy and tenacity, still have not got my head round all the science they are putting forward. I find it complicated. Still I feel their efforts are helping raise awareness amongst policy makers and health professionals and I think that's a good thing.

BTF also appear to be making progress with their hypothyroid care strategy project and I must speak to the lady leading that soon, to see  how/if I can help. Their approach sounds thorough and promising.

Our next London Group event is in a couple of weeks. There's a load of stuff to do to prepare for it. We haven't yet planned any events for 2014. I'm wondering if I really want to continue after the November meeting. I value the group but there's so much involved in making it happen. I wonder if I should be shifting my focus.

I was invited to speak on a panel at an event for Doctors developing their use of information technology. I had to decline. It was the Saturday after the above event. I will likely be tired. I need to take care of me. A shame though. I'd have liked to have participated. But I can't do everything.  I have to accept that.

I've had two long calls with people this week with tricky thyroid related health challenges and while I was able to help a bit by chatting to them and sharing my experiences I felt a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility and in both cases they sounded like  they really needed specialist help from an endocrinologist which they are struggling to get on the NHS. I feel a bit like Canute in the face of the ocean. So many people who need help and support and seemingly so little structure in our healthcare system to provide it things do not go as they perhaps should at GP level.

Hey ho.

I did manage to go dancing this week, that was fun. I was invited to a lovely charity do for Children in Need, because I'm managing a fundraising partnership that will hopefully raise a lot of money for them and some other good causes next year. It was inspiring to hear about some of the work they are doing, there were lots of great acts, a lovely dinner and thanks to a coffee and two chocolate truffles at the end of the meal I had energy to dance to Billy Ocean who sounded as fresh and upbeat as ever at the end of the night! A thoroughly uplifting evening.

So I guess I'm pondering my options at the moment.  Wondering what my next steps will be on this fascinating journey I'm on.  Lots to think about, meanwhile I keep dancing.

Billy Ocean, Pudsey Bear, Children in Need, Evening with the Stars, 2013

"Thursday, Thursday, Thursday...."

I had a meeting with my GP this morning, also the practice manager and a professional mediator. I found it quite harrowing but I'm hoping good things will come of it. Get me, ever the optimist....

I'm not dead yet!*

The background is that we had a mix up a couple of months back, I won't bore you with the details now, I may follow up with them in a later post. As well as the mix up I was getting fed up that I often find it really difficult to talk to my GP. She often interrupts me and doesn't let me finish what I'm saying and she often appears impatient. It's frustrating.

As a patient with a chronic health condition I need to be able to talk to my doctor. I need to feel she is listening and I need to have confidence I am receiving a good standard of care. When I don't feel listened to I become concerned that any treatment recommendations being made may be ill considered and that important factors may be being overlooked. I am mindful that as an autoimmune hypothyroid patient I will typically have multiple symptoms which may be linked to my thyroxine dose, or something else needing to be addressed - and I am liable to pick up other conditions too. Symptoms can be caused by the thyroid condition and also by other things which may be wrong.

I am fiercely determined to be as well as I can be and to advocate for myself to receive the best possible healthcare. I also feel passionately that many other patients with chronic health conditions also deserve the best of care and may not be in a position to advocate for themselves as strongly as I, with my years of experience as a professional communicator, can. So I am committed to holding medical professionals to account to provide a good standard of care for everyone.  Oh and of course, when I am not as well as I am now, my own communication abilities are debilitated and I simply can't be doing with every conversation I have with my doctor being a struggle.

Today's meeting came about following a series of letters exchanged between myself and the practice. Each letter I sent was hard work for me to write and was only done because I felt I had no option. I had kind of reached the end of  my tether with them. To their credit the practice have been totally on the ball and responsive with each communication. I have faith in their good intentions. I recognise they work with systemic difficulties which are not their fault.  I have faith that my doctor is a good, knowledgeable and committed doctor. But she unfortunately is working under extreme pressure so is constantly having to prioritise and work as swiftly as she can and that means the service she can provide may always be somewhat compromised.  In addition, I think that after today the penny has dropped for me that her sometimes unfortunate communication style is nothing to do with me but comes of being someone who is intellectually super bright but doesn't have strong interpersonal skills.  I had been worried that her behaviour towards me meant she thought I was a waste of space. I'm reassured after today that I don't think that's the case.

While I would love to have a doctor who is warm and empathetic I feel it is more important that I have one who is efficient and on the ball. Ideally I would naturally like to have both but at the moment, with the NHS in the mess it's in, I fear that might not be possible. I just don't know. Are my expectations too low? Certainly changing doctors, while an option, is no guarantee that I will end up with anything better than I've got now. *sad face*. Actually I'm being unfair, she is genuinely empathetic, she just isn't always great at expressing that empathy.

We had a big chat. I reached the conclusion that she will probably always be quite hard work but that she knows her stuff, medically and that she does have my best interests at heart.  We agreed to work at the relationship and hopefully over time it will improve. As this is what both sides want I am hopeful we can make it work.

The mediator and practice manager were both helpful and also seemed committed to achieving the best possible outcome.  I made it clear I will change doctors if I decide I need to and she said she hoped I wouldn't, as she'd see it as a professional failure and she cares about providing a good standard of care.

The whole thing was bloody hard work. A bit like life I hear you cry! Well yes, maybe. Maybe that's just how things are. It could certainly have been worse.

The "Thursday Thursday Thursday...." thing is the sticking point. I said - "I need to know you hear what I'm saying, it doesn't work for me when you interrupt me", she said "I need to filter all the different things that patients say to me, identify what's important and respond to that, if you were to sit in front of me and just say Thursday, Thursday, Thursday I wouldn't respond to that because I would know that it wasn't important". Hmmm, if I'm saying something important and she's hearing it as "Thursday, Thursday Thursday", that's no good is it? That's no good at all. And I don't go to the surgery to say things that don't matter, my time is worth more than that.

Do I trust her judgement on what is "Thursday" and what is important? That, for me, is perhaps the crux of the matter. I recognise that she knows a lot more than me about mecicine and she acknowledged that I will know more about my condition than anyone else.  She said that she values my input in decision making, which is a good thing. Hmmm. The theory is that after clearing the air today we have built some mutual understanding and she will listen to me more in future, mind you she didn't actually say she would. The "Thursday" comment was possibly quite telling.

After the meeting I felt quite frazzled. My lovely husband gave me a big hug and a bar of chocolate and my Twitter friends rallied round, one tweeted me a beautiful oil  painting of a tranquil sea he'd just finished, another took me out for coffee and a flapjack - and brought me home made honey and freshly laid eggs too! People are amazing. I feel supported. I'm grateful for that.

I have some more thinking to do and will post again about next steps, when I've had more chance to reflect on what they're going to be....

How about you, ever complained? Ever switched doctor? Ever wanted to? Ever used the NHS Mediation Service, or posted your experience on Patient Opinion, or pursued any other avenues to make things better between you and your doc? I'd love to know. You can comment below if you'd like to, I'd love it if you did.


*My friend from twitter who kindly took me out for coffee today suggested we meet by the Halloween display in The Range, Westwood Cross, there's actually quite a nice coffee bar there and she had some business to attend to nearby. I thought the gruesome display was hilarious - and kind of apt for today's post - at least I'm not dead yet and I've got lovely friends and I can still have a laugh! 

Foggity fog, damn creeping fog.....

I have been quiet on here again, did you notice? I didn't! Ha ha. No really, I didn't notice what was happening to me. I was slowly getting a bit hypothyroid again the last few months. It crept up on me. Slowly like a snake. it wound it's way around me and squeezed and I didn't notice I was fading away.....

This illness is nuts. Seriously. I think I've cracked it then it's like I've fallen through another trap door and there's a whole new set of lessons to be learned, assumptions to be adjusted, new stuff to be taken on board. And I just pick myself up and carry on.

So, to update you all...... Remember I told you I had my meds reduced in September last year? After going gluten free I was feeling so much better. I'd been able to come off T3 meds and was taking thyroxine only and feeling good and then became concerned I was actually becoming over active so was actually able to reduce the thyroxine dose slightly. And I was SO PLEASED!! It was like, hurrah, hallelujah I am on the mend. I have cracked this thing.

Well I carried on feeling pretty good for a few months. Over Christmas I abandoned my gluten free diet and I felt a bit rubbish again but I was relaxed about that. I just though, hey ho, festive season is here, I shall eat what I like and put on a couple of pounds and then go back on the straight and narrow afterwards and it will be fine.

cakes and mulled wine at Christmas

Then after Christmas we had a death in the family and I had to go overseas for the funeral and obviously while I was there I just ate whatever came my way because I wasn't going to be fussing about my diet when my family were grieving. And we all got into comfort eating a bit. Why not, right? Hard times call for desperate measures. Cake and chocolate is good medicine sometimes.

I got home towards the end of Jan and I just put the fact that I felt brainfoggy and tired down to the poor diet over a few weeks and I assumed it would sort itself out as I got back on track with eating well again.

It was mid March before I realised that something was wrong. I had been tired for weeks. It was getting worse not better. I was becoming forgetful and a bit clumsy. I would be walking up the hill to our house and feel like gravity was pulling me back down it. Ooh, err, better get my thyroid checked.

I'd had it checked before my trip abroad. It, (my TSH, I won't bore you with my other numbers), was 1.7. Up from 0.9 the previous September. Up from the very suppressed 0.01 or thereabouts it had been for the previous 18 months. I thought 1.7 was a pretty good number. If I felt good at 1.7 then  hurrah. My endocrinologist reckons being between 1 and 2 is probably optimal and that makes sense to me. I'd been too suppressed when I was taking T3 and it looked like it was slowly adjusting to a more sensible level.

But in March it had jumped to 3.4. And I felt awful. So now my dose has been ever so slightly increased again. And I am slowly starting to feel better. Phewwew.  Hopefully it won't take long before I am properly back on track.

Lessons learned:

1. Meds adjustments can take a long time to reveal their full effect on the body. That's why it makes sense not to make lots of changes in a short space of time. We  need time to adjust. 
2. Small adjustments can make a big difference. I was taking alternate doses of 100 and 125 micrograms back in September and we dropped down to 100mcg every day. That was, in hindsight too big a drop for me. My endocrinologist has now suggested I take 100mcg 5 days a week and 125 at the weekend. I am hearing more and more about people on very finely balanced doses. We really need thyroxine to be available in smaller doses.  (this is something the BTF is talking to drug companies about and can hopefully influence) 
3. I need to listen to my body more and take action more quickly if I think I might be going hypo. My husband actually said to me in January he thought I might be getting ill again, but I poo pooed  him. I was so focussed on a positive view of the situation "I'm fine, I'm fine, I know what's going on here, I just need to eat less cake/ get over this lingering virus"  (oh fool me, there probably never was a virus, hypothyroidism was creeping up on me again). So as well as listening to my body more I also need to listen to my nearest and dearest who knows me so well and is so sensitive to what's going on with me. I hate going to the doctor because I don't want to be seen as a sickly person. But I am a sickly person and I need to pay attention and go for help when it's neccessary as help is at hand and I am going to be fine now. I know it. :) 

Hey ho, that's what's been going on with me. What's been happening in your world? Send me some #thyroidlife love please. I feel like I need it! 

#Hope :) 

Deciding what to share - a drive to be more open #nhbpm #4

The #nhbpm prompt for this post is "Disclosure" 

...hence masked ball photo, yes it's me... 

I started this blog anonymously. I felt very anxious about the idea of anyone who knows me in "real life" seeing me revealing my vulnerabilities and fears about my illness. I was particularly concerned about this from a professional point of view. I felt that my thyroid condition and my career had to be kept strictly separate.

I "came out" in Jan 2011 with a post entitled "Adventures in Social Media and Who am I Anyway". I think doing that was part of a process of acceptance and coming to terms with the fact that my illness is not something I need be ashamed of, it's just something that has happened to me and that by communicating openly and honestly about it I can help myself navigate the experience and feel better - and potentially also help others.

The truth sets us free.

So these days I am pretty open. You know my name and what I look like. I even shared a couple of most unflattering pictures of me looking extremely sickly on one of my earlier posts this month. Pictures I would previously have hidden and felt a bit embarrassed even to have.  I took them in an effort to see how ill or well I looked. They are a strange little archive, covering a few months of my life when my world was being rocked and I felt very insecure. I would peer at myself down the camera phone lense and then peer at the picture and wonder what the image meant. I have considered doing a post which is made up of all those sad little faces, but I haven't done it as I'd worry what such a post might say about me!

So what do I disclose now - and what do I keep hidden?

I don't blog about my relationship, except to say how adorable my adorable husband is, which he is.

I don't say much about my work, I have never mentioned an employer or client by name.

I keep my Facebook separate, that's a play space for me and I tend not to connect my blog or most of my social media friends (there are a few very special exceptions to this, you know who you are).

Likewise my Linked-in is purely for career networking.

I am vague about my precise location. Safety first.

I don't name my doctors.

I don't name anyone else by name without their permission.

Interestingly, having become a health advocate through the illness and my voluntary work with the British Thyroid Foundation I am starting to consider possible related employment opportunities and in those cases I find I'm showing the blog to potential employers, which may or may not be a good idea but it's a decision I've taken and we'll see where it leads me. Certainly it's not something I'd have done a year ago. Now I feel a profound sense of the value of my experiences of chronic illness and my ability to write about them. I'm driven to being more open. It feels important.

What do you think about how much I share, too much, too little or about the right amount? Have you written about this subject too? I'm so interested in what other health bloggers and readers think about this. Comments as ever are positively encouraged. :)

with light and love

Lorraine

Experiences with T3 treatment - part two

As I write this I have a few misgivings. I don't really know what's going on you see. I can only share my own personal experiences and I don't want to mislead anyone and the fact is, at the risk of repeating myself, I really don't know what's really happening with me at the  moment.

However, I promised an update on the T3 situation so here it is. How things appear to stand, right now.

If you haven't read Part One then you probably need to, or this post won't make much sense.

As reported in Part One, on reducing my T3 meds initially I didn't really feel a difference. I was surprised and delighted. As the days went by I noted that really there seemed to be no change. I didn't feel 100% normal but I didn't feel worse than before the change. So far so good.

But over time I began to wonder if my brain had become a little more foggy..... I'm still wondering that.... but I don't know...it's hard to tell.  I am learning that for me thyroid symptoms are subtle and changes take a long time to become apparent.

I have a belief that perhaps T3 medicine helps my brain function more clearly. Partly this is based on my memory of when I started taking T3 alongside thyroxine.  I remember our first British Thyroid Foundation London event back in April 2011 which was a just a day after I started taking 20mcg daily of T3 (for almost a year prior to that I had been on 10mcg which I thought had helped me, but maybe not that much), I was thrilled at the time by how much more energetic and on the ball I felt during that event and yet I noticed that although I was able to stand up straight and talk coherently and manage the event effectively, my brain felt like total mush during Mark Vanderpump's presentation, I literally couldn't absorb information, nothing stuck, facts just bounced off me and it was like I was an untuned TV or something, kind of full of static!

Here I am welcoming everyone to our first event in #April 2011, Judith Taylor and Mark Vanderpump seated on right

But then when we did our next event, when I had been on the increased dose for a while, my brain was working fine, I could understand what was being said easily, as well as doing the stuff I needed to do to make the event go smoothly. I was so happy, I felt close to normal and people there commented that I seemed so much better. 

Sadly I then had my thyroxine reduced (which seemed like a good idea at the time as I believed it was the T3 that was  helping me and with a TSH of less than 0.05 it seemed reasonable to aim to get that up a bit, to avoid long term bone and heart problems) and slowly over the next few months I ended up seriously mushy brained again. Sigh.

Those events are not my only two frames of reference but for me they seem meaningful. Maybe they are, maybe they're not.  The truth is an elusive animal. Evidence can be misleading. There is the whole Vit D scenario to consider, as outlined in previous posts.  Writing this post has made me think it is worth reconsidering the timeline of events and symptom changes to consider whether there are other factors I should be more mindful of.

Anyway, back to 2012 and my new endo recommending we reduce the T3 and see how we go, on the proviso that if I feel worse I get to go back to the original dose. It's now more than 2 months since the initial reduction. I'm now concerned that I seem to be in a bit of a daze. I have been ultra slow responding to comments on this blog, I have been short of work yet not felt able to summon the mental focus to do much about looking for more. I've felt muddled  and slow when doing the work I've had. I had a job interview and was very rambly and waffly in it (which seems like a sign my brain is foggy though could simply be I am out of practice since it was my first interview in 5 years). I feel I have been unbelievably slow and disorganised around my British  Thyroid Foundation admin and communications. Housework and hairwashing have felt like major tasks.

Yet on the positive side, I have lost more than half a stone (this is likely due to dietary changes which I will write about separately) and I am taking regular exercise! Actual exercise!! I'm playing badminton once a week and also going to weekly yoga and tai chi classes. The badminton is quite a full on aerobic work out, but I am  playing with ladies who are all older than me (it's a daytime club so most of my fellow players are retired and we are all women), so it's not as full on as it could be, but it is a proper work out. The yoga and tai chi are both super gentle, also mostly retired ladies in the classes, but the teachers are excellent and I can feel the benefits already. I actually feel quite confident that I am going to be able to increase my physical exercise and fitness levels over the coming weeks and months. Gently does it, pacing myself carefully. Avoiding the classic chronically ill person's pattern of doing too much as soon as I feel better and then knocking myself back.

So, to cut a long story short, am I better or worse??? I don't really know!!

I had more blood tests at the start of June and finally got the results this week (NOT impressed with that time delay thank you, Kent NHS). My new endo has now suggested that I cut out the T3 meds entirely until my next appointment with him in September. Basically the original dosage cut has not really impacted any of my numbers. TSH is still less than 0.05, T4 and T3 are still right at the upper end of the range, in fact they have both increased slightly.  I have decided to follow his advice. Today is day four of thyroxine only. I don't feel worse, I don't feel better, but experience so far tells me that it will be a while before I can really assess the impact. Trusting that he will let me go back on it if I am worse when I see  him next, or if I really feel worse in the meantime, watch this space.....wish me luck!

As always comments are positively encouraged, I'd particularly love to hear how other people have got on with T3 treatment, or just generally compare notes with other thyroid patients, or those suffering from other chronic illnesses

sendiing smiles :)